How To Express Yourself With Honesty and Respect
If you get these 5 key suggestions, your relationships will improve and you'll like yourself better
Peace Overtures Today is a weekly newsletter dedicated to guiding individuals on their personal quest for inner peace. Each week, I share a movie that helped me discover balance. It’s a process of awareness and healing that leads to sparks of joy. I’m sincerely grateful to have you here with me.
This week’s AMP Film: What About Bob? (1991)
Be willing to learn a new way to communicate
Don’t take yourself so seriously
Let go of the underhanded tactics
Aggressive behavior is disrespectful
Pushing people’s buttons isn’t funny
Communication is a skill we all can improve upon. Yet, most of us forget to be intentional about how we use our words, our tone, and the intensity behind our communication styles. When we communicate from the heart, we transcend words and connect with people's emotions.
As Maya Angelou wisely said,
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
To help us recognize the communication styles that may hinder us, our featured AMP film is What About Bob? (1991). This hilarious 1991 film starred Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss.
Bob Wiley, portrayed by Bill Murray, has all kinds of psychological problems. He's good-natured but suffers from numerous phobias along with obsessive tendencies. He's also manipulative in underhanded ways that hilariously drive his newly acquired psychotherapist, Dr. Leo Marvin, bonkers.
Richard Dreyfuss plays Dr. Leo Marvin and convincingly portrays someone uptight and losing their mind. Interestingly, in an interview about the making of this film, Dreyfuss mentioned that it wasn't fun working with Bill Murray. While they didn't delve into details, it might have been because they both had similar patterns to their characters. While it's amusing in a movie, if you have real-life relationship dynamics like Bob Wiley and Dr. Marvin, it's not so humorous.
As you watch What About Bob?, keep an eye out for these five key lessons included in this AMP Session:
Be Willing To Learn a New Way To Communicate
If you're ready to begin a new communication dynamic with others, it's time to learn what works and what doesn't. The first step is to be willing to change. Once you've come to this awareness, it's time to start examining the relationship dynamics that disrupt your peace and prevent genuine heart connections. The place to discover your personal patterns is most likely the dynamic you have with those closest to you: your spouse, brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, father, etc.
Why do we start with those closest to us? Because they typically mirror our behavior in ways we're unaware of.
Sure, they can sometimes drive us bonkers. But why? Because they're most likely mirroring our stuff, doing the same annoying things we're prone to do. We just don't recognize it as the same.
Notice throughout the film how Bob and Dr. Marvin are similar. They're both mirrors for each other and volley back and forth, just like the dueling banjo song from the '70s.
Notice how each character in the movie exhibits versions of the following foibles:
Obsessive
Needy
Manipulative
Relentlessly stubborn
Self-absorbed
Uptight
Rigid
Over-controlling
Once you can recognize these traits in yourself, it's time to be willing to change your communication style.
I've been a long-time fan of Byron Katie and her system called The Work. Katie, as she's affectionately known, teaches a series of questions to give the mind the tools to love what is, regardless of the situation or relationship issues. She tells a story about how her former husband became a dear teacher for her and how she learned from him.
Check out this video from Byron Katie on YouTube called Your Partner's Flaws are Your Own:
Did you hear how Katie used her husband's behavior to learn a new compassionate way to understand her own process and, in turn, communicate with him? Also, I love her saying, "Defense is the first act of war."
If you want to learn more about Byron Katie, I encourage you to check her out at The Work.
Notice throughout the film how Bob is willing to change and keeps trying the "baby-steps" concept he learned from Leo's book. It's funny to watch how the more progress he makes, the crazier Dr. Marvin gets.
Dr. Marvin is not as flexible as Bob, and change only comes when he is hit by a two-by-four and forced to change. Dr. Marvin eventually gets there, but the road is harder, and I think it's because of the next key lesson in this AMP session:
Don't Take Yourself So Seriously
Our communication styles are usually a reflection of our own internal self-talk and long-term patterns. We don't know what we don't know, which is why having others as mirrors is so helpful.
While watching this film, if you find yourself more like Dr. Leo Marvin in how you react to people, you may be taking yourself too seriously, which often leads to a more aggressive style in the face of confrontation.
So how do you know if you take yourself too seriously?
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
Do you think of yourself as indispensable at work and at home?
Do you allow others to take over your workload?
Do you expect others to have the same intensity and work ethic as you?
Do you always follow the rules and expect others to do the same?
Do you have trouble enjoying holidays and parties?
Do some personality types drive you absolutely bonkers?
Are you just too uptight?
The last one is hard to determine for yourself, but those around you will reflect whether you're too uptight. When we take ourselves too seriously, people's everyday quirks can trip us up and drive us crazy, just as Bob does to Dr. Marvin.
Here's another thing we miss when we take ourselves too seriously - people use it to manipulate us.
At the beginning of the movie, we see Dr. Marvin taking a call from the doctor who is trying to unload Bob. While he's convincing Leo to take the client, the referring psychiatrist says:
"If there's anyone I know that could win the Nobel Prize, it's you."
Dr. Marvin doesn't even react to the comment and confidently says he'll take the client. It's funny, and he doesn't even realize he was just handled by the referring psychiatrist.
If you're someone who loses it with those closest to you, this AMP session will help take the edge off. But remember, this internal intensity isn't always a weakness and many times it's needed. Just remember to do your daily self-maintenance through exercise, yoga, meditation, and be mindful of your diet, as discussed in other newsletters.
Now, if you're playing the part of Bob Wiley in your relationships, this next key point is for you:
Let Go of The Underhanded Tactics
Being on the receiving end of aggressive communication styles isn't easy to deal with. Some personalities shut down, some become angry, and others feel disempowered. You may have experienced a blend of all these reactions.
It's as if the reactivity in yourself is so extreme that you're afraid to say what you really want. Then, to get your way, you use covert tactics that, at times, create more reactivity. This, in turn, deflects the blame and keeps you from expressing how you truly feel.
If you recognize this dynamic in yourself, it's time to be honest with your communication, let go of the underhanded tactics, and stand your ground with graceful confidence and courage.
For those of you who tend to be aggressive in your communication, the next point in this alignment session will help you make a shift.
Aggressive Behavior is Disrespectful
If you tend to dominate in your communication style, it might feel like the only way you get what you want is by resorting to almost Tourette's-like behavior, so others know you're serious.
Please remember that aggressive communication styles create walls around you and keep others out. This approach isn't heart-centered, and as a result, people on the receiving end feel disrespected, and there's no love to be felt in this type of communication.
Sure, all of us have gone into Tourette's-like rants at times, as we see Bob display at the beginning of the film. It's funny to watch Bill Murray do it, but it's not funny for you or anyone you are engaging with to be on the receiving end of this behavior.
So, this AMP film will help you shift this pattern, which is often passed down from generation to generation.
There's nothing wrong with being assertive and clear about your needs; it's the aggressive reactivity that doesn't work. Once you make this shift, you'll remain balanced for longer periods, allowing you to maintain rapport with those you love the most. It will also make it harder for you to be provoked into Tourette's-like reactivity that you've experienced in the past.
Pushing People's Buttons Isn't Funny
If you have someone like Dr. Leo Marvin in your life who's easily agitated and requires very little to set them off into reactivity, remember that pushing people's buttons isn't funny, and it disrupts heart-aligned communication.
Watch for the scene when Bob almost invites himself to dinner with the Marvin family. He clearly knows that Dr. Marvin is starting to freak out and keeps going anyway.
In this scene, Bob is having dinner, breaking all the rules for a therapist-patient relationship. Notice how Bob keeps moaning about the food while he smirks. Also, catch how he says, "pile it high and deep," which is a classic shot at PHDs.
It’s fun to watch - but remember it’s not funny to do this to those you love. Just because you can set them off spinning into orbit, doesn’t mean you do it.
The 10 key resonance benefits from watching the AMP film: What About Bob?
Release the reactive desire to provoke others and then blame them for their uncontrolled outbursts.
Gain the ability to express your emotions honestly, openly, and appropriately.
Let go of any pattern of finding pleasure in covertly frustrating others with your words and actions.
Realize that it's okay for you to be assertive in your communication style.
Develop a willingness to learn new ways to communicate with those you disagree with.
Acquire the ability to stop taking yourself so seriously and lighten up.
Begin to realize your empowerment and express your preferences with strength, courage, and honesty.
Let go of uptight and rigid behaviors.
Soften any obsessive routines.
10. Develop the ability to stop taking your work so seriously.
For the full resonance benefits of this session, remember to start with The Intention Session first, and then watch the movie in its entirety. If you find yourself getting sleepy during the movie, pause and continue another day.
"Before you've spoken your first word, you've made your first impression by the way you're dressed and your body language"... those are words that was shared to me when I was starting in my career as a Sales Executive but I later learned that the world is overturning things, and men comes to lose both himself and the need to understand life. The function of a men is to live not to exist. But all we've being doing is to merely live for survival. I think that at a certain point, David that I find living in the world in which he finds himself and to make the best of it.